2/19/13
Today's final edition of baby class is brought to you by the letter "P"...as in poop, penis, nipples and my new favorite word, perineum!
First of all, the easy ones...poop and pee. Our pathologically positive teacher told us to open our books to a certain page, only to be greeted by 4 pictures of poop...literally...4 dirty diapers, starring back at us! "And if you look at page 212 in your book, you'll see some newborn poop! Yea, super fun right?!?!" Bless her heart as she went into detail telling us how each poop was different from the others and at which stage we might fight poops such as those. I couldn't help but go back to our baby shower the neighbors threw for us in which we played a game, "Guess what Baby Lemke ate"...we passed around 6 diapers and had to identify the melted candy bar inside of it by looks and smells. Thankfully, I didn't have to smell the disasters that graced the pages of our parenting book tonight! But seriously...gross!!! I can handle poop...but those diapers took it to a whole new level. But most importantly, who takes pictures of dirty diapers and puts them in a book for parents to reference?!?! The only way I ever want to see dirty diapers, in all their glory, is if they offer a quick clean up strategy for each mess!!!
The second word sponsored by our letter "P" is a word I still can't say without giggling...penis. lol....Anyways...Hopefully you're looking forward to getting to know me better in the next paragraph...She talked about circumcision tonight. Just like night one and our 1000+ "vaginas," tonight it was the male counterpart! Again, in her happy-go-lucky voice, she described the process..."Just a couple of small incisions to the penis and it's all done!" She talked about some pain medicine to give to the babies following the procedure to help manage the pain. I don't think anything would help with that pain...heck, after I was circumcised, I didn't walk for over a year!!! Too much info?! Sorry!!! She then went on to describe how painful it could be for the boy and how to make sure it is properly cared for following the procedure...yea...like could do it justice?!?! Sorry, lady, but this was one time in 4 weeks that I pulled the BS card on her!!! Needless to say, "If you're looking for more info on circumcisions and other things we're talking about tonight, check out some info and pictures I have on the back table when we're on break!" Curiosity got the best of me...I had to look. I learned, thanks to the pictures, that both boys and girls can experience genital swelling shortly after birth due to hormones or other crazy stuff that goes on after birth...and of course, there were pictures to prove this occurrence. I think I speak for most males when I say that I hope/pray for swelling at times!!! To wrap up this paragraph, I'll start my favorite part of the baby class posts with the quotes from our D-bag couple earlier than usual...Before moving on to the next topic, our teacher asked if there were any circumcision questions. You guessed it, Mr. D-bag put his hand up...and there was a collective rolling of the eyes and sighs in the room as we anticipated where the question would lead us. "Ummmm....is there any more research or places I can check out that has more information on circumcisions because every place I look, it's just people bashing the process?!?!" lol...seriously?! Has this guy completed all of his research on Wikipedia so far, or has it been Google images?!?! UGH...I wanted to punch him in the perineum...but more on that later...
Our third word tonight is nipples...as in nipple tenderness with breast feeding. I was crossing my fingers that this would at least be interesting tonight and that we wouldn't see any tribal nudity...well, it wasn't interesting, but we were lucky and didn't see any tribal nudity! I was hoping she'd at least give the husbands something to look forward to in regards to assisting with this process, but she gave us nothing. In fact, she more or less told us to keep our hands off!!! (It took me a while to get over the grudge I found myself holding against her!) Sorry to disappoint with this one, but this was a disappointing part of the night for me, so I wanted to at least let you travel on the emotional roller coaster with me!
Finally, let's talk about my new favorite word...perineum!!! "Ladies, once baby is out and you're in your hospital room, you'll find something in the bathroom we call the 'Peri Bag'...you guessed it, all supplies for you to use in taking care of your perineum!" ...and with that opening line of that portion of class, she had me hooked!!! "Inside the 'Peri Bag' you'll find a plastic squeeze bottle like this one. Well, you just take that bottle with some warm water and you just squirt it to make sure you take care of your perineum after birth!" Wow...thanks, lady! "Moms, you'll also have a super large maxi pad to use..." of course, with that, I tuned out for a few minutes until I heard, "...but if you aren't familiar with the hemorrhoid care isle at your local store, you may become familiar with it after you're home from the hospital!" We also learned how to convert your standard-issue diaper into a custom made perineum ice pack! You moms think of everything!!!
This isn't related to the letter of the day, but I had to throw it in there...The teacher went into more detail than I wanted when she explained that it could take 6-8 weeks for moms to return to "business" after giving birth. "And guys, ya know what, you're going to have to deal with it! She's going to be in mama mode, and you're going to have to get her into hot mama mode if you're looking for anything to happen!" lol...hot mama mode...I just want to sit around a bonfire and have a beer with this teacher and see what other crazy things she has to say about child birth and life in general!!!
So this last baby class update was abnormal as I intermingled the teacher's one-liners into the topics. However, it wouldn't be complete without a couple of final quotes from the D-Bag couple! Again, these are courtesy of Mr. D-bag. "Ummm....you said moms with C-sections shouldn't drive for 2 weeks afterwards. Does that mean she can't ride in the car too?! Because, we have a cross-country road trip planned 6 weeks after we're due!" Seriously dude?!?! Do some people have no ability to consider the crazy things they're about to say before it spews from their mouth?!?! It's like he's one of my middle schoolers!!! Our last quote of this series at least got some laughs from all of us instead of eye rolls and sighs, "Ummm...so you said with post-partum depression, that we should call 911 if things get really serious. So are you saying that if my wife starts showing those signs, I should call the guys in the white coats and they'll come and cart her away?!?!"
And with that, I'll just wrap up this last class by speaking on a sobering moment, if I may. We watched a short video (one I actually watched in its entirety) on "Shaken Baby Syndrome." This was a touching video because it featured 3 families impacted by their babies being shaken. I was almost in tears listening to their stories. Two children are now wheel chair-bound on ventilators and feeding tubes and will never walk, and the third tragically died from his injuries. It was eye opening to see that it doesn't take much to cause permanent damage to a life. It was also important to do some deep thinking on this topic...regardless of how angry any parent becomes at a crying child, it's critical that you just put the child down and walk away for a few minutes...with luck, your spouse/helper is around to take over while you take a short break. This is something we hadn't thought of before tonight. We both knew what it was and how it's caused, but we never thought about it in that way.
So...not to intentionally wrap it up on a downer, but that's all I have for you. PERINEUM! Bam! I snuck that one on you...ninja skills, you never saw it coming! I plan to use that word in my daily life..."You're being a real pain in my perineum right now!" In fact, I used it on the way out the hospital doors tonight after class...Laura told me I could use that word because I don't have a perineum...and so began our conversation on the ride home!!! Thanks again for reading my Daddy Diary. I hope you enjoyed it, and check back for more updates now that our exciting baby classes are over! We appreciate your best wishes/thoughts/prayers you keep sending our way! Take care!
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